Doubts.

A Christian by Yearning - Levi Peterson

I have never felt like someone was in my brain and putting my thoughts on paper until I read this story.
Wow.

I moved to Utah with the hope that my testimony and faith in the church would be strengthened, I am afraid this has not happened to me. Now, I am not blaming this on anyone or the Provo culture. I take full responsibility for my lack of faith, but I will say that this place is not what I thought it would be.

My oldest two siblings are returned missionaries.
My younger brother is preparing for a mission.
I often worry what if i'm not good enough, what if when we're all resurrected I am not with them because of the choices I made? What if all my life they thought I was okay and strong in the church when really I am filled with doubt?

I watched my best friend get married in the Temple.
I know I SHOULD want that, I know I should feel the need to go down that same road.
I felt happiness, but I didn't feel the yearning to go in that building.
I didn't even feel like I belonged in the Visitors center.

But I will never bad mouth the church.
Its a great place, and it has gotten me and my family through a lot these past few years and I will never be able to thank the members and our Heavenly Father enough for that.
But, I fear that I will never get to the same place as my siblings, that I won't get married in the temple, that I will be separated from them in the afterlife.